What I would have done differently with my birth

I do have regrets with my birth.
I do have moments where I look back and I’m mad at myself.

I’m trying to turn those “regrets” into lessons and yes I am logical enough to know where I deserve grace. But I do think it’s also important to reflect back on life ask yourself what exactly did I need to learn here?

These are mine when it comes to my birth. (I had a traumatic birth unfortunately which I wrote about here.)

1. I regret not going to the hospital sooner

As nice as it was to hear from the midwives and Dan and our doula that I put up “one heck of a fight” to deliver unmedicated… I let it go too far. Not anyone else, ME. I pushed it to the point of physical delusion. Dan said my eyes started rolling in the back of my head and anytime someone would say something to me I’d say just say “yes.” I don’t even remember packing up to go to the hospital. I remember the pain but no details of what was around me anymore.

Now I understand -WHY- I fought my azz off to stay at the birth center. One, it was my birth plan. Two, I believed in that moment it would be best for Neil to stay, and three— I realize my medical trauma from all my bladder issues runs SO deep I was willing to go into a state of agony and quite literally despair just to avoid getting into a situation that might “take me back.” I do give myself grace emotionally. I don’t want you to think that I don’t.

I was… stubborn and determined and scared. But man… if I am being so real here I need to tell you when I was praying during those moments at the birth center I had a STRONG voice in my head telling me to go sooner than later. I didn’t share it with Dan and Lydia (our doula) because I didn’t want to believe it but something so clear was telling me it wasn’t going to happen at the birth center.

But I said no, and pushed through. To the point where I hindered my body in a VERY negative way.

I can only blame myself. Dan couldn’t pull the plug for me, there was a huge risk for him if he had “pushed” me and then I didn’t get the birth I wanted. I could have blamed him. I told him ahead of time- let ME decide when and if I need to transfer. My doula was there to fully support my wishes and my asks of her was support in that moment and not to decide for me. The midwives saw mine and my sons vitals were good (praise GOD because HOW in that scenario??) and so of course they would encourage me I could still stay if I wanted.

I should have went earlier. Exhaustion. Extreme pressure on my pituitary tumor. Nervous system annihilation. It didn’t need to go that far.

2. I wish I hadn’t pushed for so long

Similar to the leaving for the hospital sooner, I also wish I hadn’t pushed for SO long. Because of that I am now recovering not just from a c-section but also partially from a vaginal delivery (so the nurses tell me.)

My recovery has been absolutely brutal.

And it wouldn’t have been so bad if I hadn’t pushed it to the brink.

Again, I was prayerful for discernment and VICTORY when I was pushing. One hour in, I had this sinking feeling that it was not going to happen. That surrender to a c-section was the path I needed to take. That I should take it right then. Once again, this powerful voice delivering a message to me.

I heard it so loud and clear.

And I didn’t listen. Just like at the birthing center.

I didn’t listen and I pushed it to the extreme. Twice now.

There is a difference between challenging yourself and holding strong when things are hard…. and then torturing yourself to the point of no return when deep down you know, you KNOW, it’s not going to work out.

I heard God. I heard MY deepest knowing. And I resisted.

My recovery is 5X worse because of that.

Regret.

3. I wish I had more guts with the first nurses doing my IV

I will say I love nurses this is not a knock on nurses. So many nurses during my delivery and aftercare were saints. So keep that in mind.

As I said in my birth story, the first shift of nurses and doctors (minus one nurse) was not an energetic match for me- nor was I for them I’m sure. It does go both ways. For me, I felt dismissed, that they were annoyed with me, looked down on me, etc. I did not feel confident with them.

It took seven tries to get my IV in (and I have pretty great veins majority of the time. I also was not dehydrated.)

They blew 4 veins.

One nurse, she blew a vein. It was so painful (and I was contracting full time) and I said in the nicest way “I’m sure you’re so great and I know mistakes happen but can I get someone else, please” And she looked at me with major offense on her face and said, “I am a REGISTERED nurse!” And grabbed my other arm and started trying to place another IV. In this moment Dan and Lydia and a midwife were talking for a split second about a plan for me, not seeing what was going on (it happened so fast) and then she blew another vein. Dan quickly became aware of what was happening and asked for someone else. All the nurses were talking like “yeah girl idk what’s going on I guessssss I’ll give it a try” and just kept going and going. More tries, more blown veins. I wish I would have said get the EFF off my arms and get someone in here who can help me… sooner.

Just from my past medical trauma this has proven to me I still have work to do where people with medical authority intimidate me tremendously. I have a hard time speaking up for myself in hospital scenarios.

Dan and my doula demanded they get someone else in. Finally the anesthesiologist came in and got my vein in one try. He said to me, “I’m sorry this happened to you. This was very sloppy work. You were very easy to stick.”

Anyway, as strong as I think I am— there are some scenarios in life where I’m a pushover.

4. I regret only listening to positive birth stories that fit my narrative of what I wanted

All my pregnancy I mainly watched and listened to videos and stories of the kinds of births I really wanted to experience. And that is a good thing in MANY ways— but it partially set me up to only be prepared for one kind of scenario. And it gave me a false sense of control.

I don’t know why I did this. In my life I’m always extremely careful to consume information, stories, theories, research etc that covers ALL angles. I kid you not I’m very strict about this. I go out of my way to disprove my theories almost more than I go out of my way to prove that they are true. I do this with health, politics, when I get advice on relationships and career, etc.

So I ask myself WHY. Why didn’t do this when it came to birth? What was the stall? It was so unlike me. Like I got so close- I stayed so balanced and open when it came to pregnancy health and planning…. but it stopped at birth?

At most I told myself, hey all scenarios sound okay and I’ll be alright— I’ve made peace with whatever happens. But in my inmost heart— I genuinely thought my birth was 100% going to play out as unmedicated at the birthing center. I wouldn’t even let myself really consider other options or picture myself in other situations.

It’s perfectly fine I had my plan and my desires but it was foolish to not acknowledge that at the end of the day- birth is unpredictable. You can do whatever you can to prepare for the birth you want and you still might not get it.

So many of you would write me and say, “I hope you get what you want, and I hope you’re ready for all scenarios.”

I heard it, I was thankful, I didn’t take the advice.

Regret.

5. I wish I hadn’t birthed at a birthing center for my first birth

I don’t want to sway anyone. Keep in mind my emotional state at this current moment as well as the intense bias I am now carrying. And keep in mind there are SOOOOO many women who say they regret their hospital birth and wish they had done a birthing center or home birth. Know this, please.

But this is where I stand now. I regret choosing a birthing center for my first birth. Not because I don’t think it can’t be done but because, looking back, there were warning signs for me personally. On a spiritual and emotional level.

I had an incredibly healthy pregnancy- which helped build a healthy boy.
I had lots of preparation, yes.

But. BUT. I had quite a few moments where I drove home in silence, praying to God “Am I making the right decision?” I never felt completely at peace with my decision to birth at a birthing center. I was constantly needing to seek validation to feel okay about it. Oh, in my mind it WAS going to happen, but something did always feel forced.

I had a FaceTime with a friend of mine who is L&D nurse and while she was so supportive she said to me, “Yurks, I love you, and I love unmedicated birthing center births, but I don’t love them for first births. You don’t know your body in birth yet. You’ve never done it before. I believe you’re going to be okay but as your friend I just wanted to tell you that one time.”

When I tell you something told me “Pay attention to that.” And it was potent. Like it could not be cleared from my mind. But again, as grateful as I was for the insight, I chose to ignore it. But it stayed in the pit of my stomach leading up to birth.

Then there was my acupuncturist. She is as holistic as they come. She never told me to stay away from the birthing center but would say to me (she knows me well by now and cares for me), “Just promise me you won’t endure too too long. That the second you feel you need to transfer you will. Please don’t push it. Your bladder, your tumor, don’t push it. I say this because I have a deep worry you’re going to be stubborn when you shouldn’t be.”

Again something that stayed with me and I hated that it held such impact. Advice I needed but didn’t take. I pushed it WAY too far at the birthing center. I should have transferred much sooner. And then I pushed it too far with the actual pushing at the hospital.

Yes, looking back, I do wish I had just done my first birth at a hospital. If I ever birth again, I won’t go the birthing center or home birth route. Do I want it? Yes. Is it done safely with most people? Yes. But I have the confirmation in my bones and my history now— it’s not my path.

——-

I’m definitely not beating myself up. I’m looking in the mirror daily and telling myself I love you, I get why you endured that but I’m also going to make damn sure that lessons were learned here. I am equipped with more knowledge and experience now.

No blame, I mean I didn’t know how things would turn out. But accountability? Yes. A necessary if I ever want to move on. No one is perfect, we’re all doing our best.

I needed lessons in surrender and trusting myself and God more.

Man did I learn that lesson.

And now I release it and continue to heal. With my precious boy by my side. With a strong husband, sweet family, amazing friends, cool internet besties— despite this trial, life is still good. I won’t spend it mad at myself. I grieve, I cry, I wince in pain— and then I make jokes so that I don’t lose track of the joy around me.

Learn lessons and then stay in the light <3