What I've learning having an "avoidant" attachment style in romantic relationships
Okay so there are the three main attachment styles right?
Anxious attachment.
Secure attachment.
Avoidant attachment.
Anxious: Loves deeply (and sometimes quickly) and values constant connection. Often looks like checking in a lot, making the other person a priority (sometimes above your own needs), and wanting reassurance all the time.
Secure: Feels comfy and COZY with closeness and trust. Often looks like open communication, emotional steadiness, caring for oneself as much as the other- not less than, not more than.
Avoidant: Appreciates independence while still caring deeply. Can be absent at times. Looks like needing space to recharge, sometimes slower emotional sharing, and quiet thoughtfulness.
Basically, we lean towards one of them OR can be a blend of two. Or maybe we are one style in one area of life and one style in another.
I’ve always leaned more towards avoidant attachment. Present day I am 50/50 though- always skewing towards more avoidant as my default.
With friendships I am more secure. With romantic partners I was always more avoidant. As I’ve gained wisdom and experience I’ve become slighty more balanced.
Let’s talk about the avoidant attachment style in the romantic arena. From my POV! Just girl talk nothing scientific.
Random things I’ve noticed as someone with avoidant attachment style (IN ROMANTIC RELATIONSHIPS)
People with avoidant attachment styles can be azzholes sometimes. I can say this because I AM an avoidant. I am deeply caring, emotional, nostalgic, yes… but man can I be a jerk sometimes. In all my romantic relationships I am/was the queen of reminding my partner that I don’t need them and would legit leave for hours (or days)- no contact. Even in just a simple fight that didn’t warrant such a reaction from me. No lie, I have driven people to the point of pure torture thinking I truly would NOT return— and I usually did return, which was the messed up part. I’d make them think I was potentially really not coming back, physically or emotionally, knowing full well there was a good chance I’d be back. (Until the final breakup but that doesn’t count.) Looking back I feel terrible about this.
I’ve learned that I simply can’t do that anymore. It’s so messed up to make someone who you LOVE think you’re not coming back or you don’t need them. It’s too painful for the other person and why would we do that if we care about them?
Because I am avoidant, it does slip out sometimes to this day. But I am way better now. I’m aware of my default patterns.
2. Avoidant attachment people benefit from being with anxious attachment style, but anxious attachment style doesn’t really benefit from being with avoidant AS MUCH. I honestly say this as a warning for avoidants.
Dan is anxious attachment, I am avoidant. It is super cushy for me being with someone who makes it soooo known how much he needs me. How he is not going anywhere even when we fight. It’s safe for me. And I never doubt his love or commitment.
Now for Dan, it can look different sometimes. For the first few years of our relationship, he was with someone who used to claim she was going to leave, didn’t need him, etc. Constantly needing more alone time.
On one hand he was super drawn to my independence and the fact he’d be forever chasing me (in a way), which was fun for him as a guy because men love a challenge. BUT at the end of the day, you want to know the person you’re with isn’t going anywhere. Especially if you have trust issues, which many anxious attachment people do.
Now, I think a lot of anxious attachment people stick around for a long time (often too long) and then one day hit their breaking point and leave and avoidant attachment people are left stunned— thinking that NEVER would have happened. But it did!
I realized with Dan if I kept threatening leaving or telling him I didn’t need him that eventually he would end things. And I’d be devastated. Because even though I said it outloud, I didn’t want to leave. And I DID need him.
Sometimes relationships, you go through twists and turns and you’re just figuring out your rhythms and it can be hard. Doesn’t mean ya gotta give up! <<< Reminders I had to tell myself if I ever wanted long lasting love.
3. Avoidant attachment style people can be total liars lol. We often make it seem like we don’t need someone when we totally do. For instance, when I wasn’t balanced/healthy with my attachment style, there would be times when Dan would call my bluff and totally shut down on ME. And suddenly I would panic! Like no no no I didn’t mean it! Come back!
4. There are areas where anxious and avoidant can learn from each other. For instance, avoidant people needs to learn to be more reassuring for their anxious person, yes. But they should also be inspired by how loving and unconditional anxious attachment people are in the first place. It’s God-like to love so much you’d do anything for someone and to make it known SO WELL that the other person doesn’t EVER doubt it. I try to implement that. I want the people I love to know I’ll always be around.
Now anxious people can be inspired by how avoidant people really feel so comfortable with their own company. That IS a good thing. Because there will be times in life when you’re alone or still, and it’s beneficial to know how to be entertained and even enjoy your own company. I do think many avoidant attachment people know themselves incredibly well and do a great job being in relationship with themselves. They just take it too far sometimes, because we all need other people. ;)
5. One way to make an avoidant attachment style happier/ behave in a healthier way is to honor their need for space. I LOVE when Dan gives me purposeful alone time. It feels like the biggest gift and like he really understands me. I guess if I was super extraverted and my love language was quality time (I’m not either of those things) it wouldn’t be the case but I do think a lot of avoidant attachment people love getting some space.
Purposeful space given randomly is so nice. But also, space in a fight. There are times when Dan and I are fighting that I really, really need some space to go for a walk or think about something before I respond. Because if I don’t get that, I’ll say something REALLY fricked up that I don’t actually mean and then not only did I extra hurt that person, but something was drawn out of me that doesn’t feel good. It felt like the bear was poked, yanno?
There are times I am fighting with Dan where I am begging for space to step back, but because he is anxious attachment, he keeps going and going needing closure right then otherwise he can’t relax. So he will push us to keep talking. That may feel good for him, but feels terrible for me.
I, on one hand, need to remind him I am NOT going anywhere if I take space for a moment.
And he needs to be able to give me space in the heat of the moment so I can have the chance to be my best self in this argument.
If we do that, we are golden. <3
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Okay that’s all I got on my thoughts about avoidant attachment styles in romantic relationships. What are your thoughts on this?
