3 Things I Haven't Told Anyone About My Pregnancy

As much as I love short form content sometimes it's the details that paint the real/whole picture. Some of these things I think I might say in passing and it could totally be taken the wrong way. So I'm sharing here. I like open dialogue about life. Connecting, relating-- it's healing.

So yes the news is I am indeed pregnant (Thank you God!!!!) At my time of writing this I am in the second trimester at 14 weeks. 

Here's three things I haven't really told anyone (or many people.) 

1. I’m TERRIFIED to be a Mom 

Liiiiiiike. Okay. So excited. Honor of a lifetime. Thanking Jesus everyday I get to have this new role as MOTHER. Makes me smile just writing that.

But I am terrified. Terrified to keep him (we're having a boy and naming him Neil) alive. Terrified I am going to somehow screw up his health or development. Scared that when he's a kid I'm going to fall short all the time as a Mom.

The two things that worry me most is 1- I am a very selfish person. I am concerned about how I will personally do in the most selfless role ever. Just being so real. The thought of shifting parts of my identity and not being able to put myself first anymore terrifies me and also doesn't seem like something I WANT. But-- I do want it! I want to be a Mom! I'm telling myself these are all normal things to feel and when the time comes- I will rock it naturally. But we'll see how it goes!

Second thing that worries me is that I'm so type B and space cadet-y. I worry about missing appointments. Missing feedings. Things flying over my head. I know it's comforting to have a mom who is on top of it and I just pray I can be that for Neil.

2. I didn’t let anyone convince me my age would be a deterrent factor when trying to get pregnant

I have a tough time saying this one outloud because people ethier think I am delusional OR perhaps it can be offensive because women reach a certain age and sometimes think they really can't procreate anymore. And maybe they can't. So to hear me saying I never worried about age can annoy some people.

But the truth is (maybe I was delusional) but I always believed my body could do it. Always believed if it were to happen it would. Knew God had a plan. I just knew in my soul if I wasn't to have a biological kid it wouldn't be because of my age. Looking back at my life I see why it had to be now- at age 37. Not 27. Not 30. Not 33. Not 35. 

37. It was only until right now that it truly made sense for me to bring a child into this world. I could go into details why but that would be a very very long article haha. 

But yeah, there's no part of me that wishes this pregnancy had happened any earlier. 

3. When it comes to pregnancy, I am lax on certain things

I'm strict on a lot, but lax on certain things. I of course talk to all the professionals in my life and feel I am on a great path! Things I am lax on: Red light therapy (I just don't do it over my womb/stomach), lymph work (some say in the first trimester to do not do much but I found it SUPER helpful.) And lastly, the way I'm sleeping. I'm sure it's not as big of a deal at 14 weeks, but I'm still either on my back or my stomach half the time. Maybe it's time to invest in a pregnancy pillow. ;)

Anyway!! That's some inner thoughts going on in my mind. I'm not going to touch on pregnancy too too much as I'm not really looking to do the "Mommy content" as I don't feel it really fits me or what I've created but I will share some things from time to time as it is relevant and I love telling my friends what's going on!

Thanks for listening. <3