When you don't do well in groups and only thrive in one on ones

I’ve always felt that most people do like me but that I never truly fit in. Not with the group. I fit in with one on one friendships much better. It always felt like a safer place for me to be me.

Big parties I feel like the odd man out- even if it’s a room full of people I know. With my “crew” in highschool, I always felt left out when we hung out together. But when I’d be alone with one of them, I couldn’t feel closer.

I do well in groups of less than ten (ten is pushing it) and best with just one or two other persons.

After big parties I’ll ask myself- Why did I struggle?

Perhaps it was because I care deeply about people so I try to be multiple sides to myself at once- to serve everyone at each individual need. And that’s exhausting and leaves me feeling like the funny thing is- I gave little because of it.

Perhaps I’m still a bigger people pleaser than I thought.

Perhaps the lack of deeper conversations that happen at parties (which can be a good thing sometimes, I get not everything has to be deep)— is tougher for me. I only know how to swim in deep waters.

Perhaps it’s all in my head and the feeling of not fitting in at parties comes from some childhood wound that is still sunken into my bones- surprising me at unpredictable times.

This shouldn’t be a problem as I have control over putting myself in those situations or not- but the times when I don’t: A work event. A huge birthday party I can’t miss. A wedding… I am reminded of what a loner I can really be. Despite being around people who love me. Despite feeling fulfilled socially every other day.

I ask myself if this is an introvert thing. Introverts tend to do better with one on one/tiny circle relationships.

But then I’ve met (a few) extroverts who also feel this way. Experienced differently but- they can also feel as if they don’t belong in big groups even though they crave it. (I don’t crave it.)

All I know is when I leave a party and I get to my car- I speedily sink into the seat as if it is a lifeboat saving me from swallowing seas. My reprieve is the silence- a stark contrast to what I just experienced.

I’ll look into the rearview mirror and tell myself- I love you, but that was whack. They’re likely talking about you- probably not good, but probably not viciously either. “Meh.” Was the impression. I tell myself I’m being logical about it.

I tell myself never again… until the next time. And it happens again.

The best case scenario in a room full of people gathered together is if I meet another weirdo like myself, who is down to engage in longer conversation to pass the time until we have to go. In those moments, I can appreciate the energy around me without feeling like I am sinking into it. It doesn’t always work out this way. Other introverts are probably at home ;)

There is no solution or thesis, just an introspection of how things are for me- and I imagine for others as well. I thrive in intimacy. And as much as it’s a capability to fit in any crowd, it’s also a capability to rock it on one on ones.

I get this idea that it is a gift that I give my undivided attention to people, one at a time, because it makes them feel special. And it makes me fulfilled.

My vibrancy raises to a higher frequency in deep conversation. I see I was born to listen. Am I too hard on myself? Or should I be okay with exactly who I am? My guess is it’s somewhere in the middle.