God help my ADHD (And also thank you for it)

Having ADD/ADHD has been a thorn for me.
And it has also been a rose.

Dear God, Why have you allowed me to be this way? And also… I see why you’ve needed me to be this way.

It’s a complicated relationship- ADHD and me.

I ruminate for awhile…. and then I remind myself I DO have an advantage. One that is there for the taking for any adhd person but one that many fail to take: And that is the choice to still see the good in ADHD. To be grateful for it, even.

I get it. People are so quick to only mention the cons. You ask a medical professional what add/adhd is and they lead with undesirable characteristics first: They can’t pay attention. They’re forgetful. They’re often dropping by the ball. They’re impulsive. They can’t sit still.

A nuisance. (And like… trust me, buddy, the biggest nuisance I am is to myself. I see it. I live the reality.)

I can forget important dates. I know I’m the most likely of all my friends to spill on a new couch. I know I can experience long depressive episodes. I know how “in my head” I often come across. I know I can be unreliable for certain things. I’m spacey. I’m all over the place.

I hate it. I hate it more than the people around me do.

But I also see… that I am kind and empathetic to people’s pain- as most adhders are.
I see I can hyperfocus on a project for hours and hours nonstop. Accomplishing an incredible amount in such a short time.
I see a person who is wildly creative and able to pivot.
I see a problem solver.
I see someone with a great memory for the things I’ve hyperfocused on.
I see someone who puts others at ease by being self-depricating and honest.
I see someone who cares, and someone who is fun.
(All of these. ALL of them… are proven characteristics of those with ADD)

ADD/ADHD does have its perks baby! Indeed. That is truly undeniable.

But damn….

When I miss that deadline. When I miss that friend’s birthday. When I’m stuck in mental paralysis for days on end. When I’m swept away by the waves of overthinking. When I’m tempted to be a recluse. When I just can’t make a move.

….The executive dysfunction.

That’s when it feels more like a curse.

I will often sit with my head in my hands. God why. Why. If not, I’d be so much more ahead by now.

I think about times I’ve come home from a concert and can barely name two songs they played.
I think about the webinars I paid for and sat through but was mentally only half there.
I think about times when I sit in church or class and fail to pay attention to the message.

All these times, too distracted.
Too hyper.
Too restless.
Too preoccupied with someone’s fidgeting (Yes, it’s that easy to derail me.)
Simply lost in too much thought.

Might as well be in outer space.

And it’s truly a shame. The wasted time. The wasted money. The wasted effort. The low self-esteem.

I see my non-adhd friends skyrocket ahead of me in many ways. I’m so happy for them. I’m so sad for me.

But again— that ability of mine. The one that was mine for the taking: My ability to choose to see the silver lining. To use my ADD for good. Again and again. Fall down, get up. Fall down, get up. There’s always something exciting to grasp onto after every lull. There’s always a willingness to pivot. There’s always a problem-solver in me- a true creative thinker. There’s always the hyperfocus that can fast-track me when I really need it to.

There are many attributes I have that non-adhd people simply do not.

The projects I have finished are ones I can confidently say I mastered. They were beautiful. Extraordinary. Impactful. Outside-of-the-box… due to my outside-of-the-box mind. I see my adhd superpowers in these projects and accomplishments. I could not have done without.

ADD. Man…

It holds me back.
It propels me forward.
It’s part of me. And while I struggle, I also embrace.

God, help my adhd.
And also, thank you for it.